A friend recently mentioned something her mother would say, “Friends are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.”
My mouth says “I’m ok”. My fingers type “I’m fine”. My heart says “I am broken.”
“I’m not crying because of you; you’re not worth it. I’m crying because my delusion of who you were was shattered by the truth of who you are.” – Steve Maraboli
“I had many reasons to give up on you but I chose to stay. You had many reasons to stay but you chose to give up.”
Maybe it was for a reason. Maybe it was for a season. But what I had thought would be a friendship to last a lifetime ended suddenly.
She decided we could no longer be together. Of course even that is the wrong term according to her. She would shout and maintain we were never together. Then why the suddenness and the complete shutdown of communication? Although it happened around Christmas last year, I am still having such difficulty. Why is it so difficult for me?
Joy is no longer part of my life. It broke escape velocity and is now heading out of the solar system. Happiness flits in at moments to help give me an occasional smile and then leaves to nest somewhere else.
She impacted my life so incredibly.
Words or phrases I use now are her words or phrases.
Some of the inflections I use are hers. I cannot even get away from her name since it starts with a normal combination of letters.
I have typed her name so often that after the first two letters in her name, the autocomplete feature immediately displays her name. Even though I have not spelled it once in the last two months. When will it stop providing her name as a possibility?
I see something which reminds me of her or that she would love.
I see something that reminds me of something we did or that she would enjoy doing or that we had talked about doing.
Her son and I enjoyed doing lots of fun activities which now he will not be able to do. She will not do them. I feel she has ruined his life because he does not have the opportunity to do them anymore. I enjoyed spending time with him and wanted to invest my time in his life and watch him grow into a young man.
I know the make, model and color of her car which is a very popular make, model and color. I have to train myself not to see these cars as I drive.
I know the places she goes so I must avoid them on the off chance she might also be there. Except for church she and I both attend. Fortunately she knows which service I serve in so the chance is minimal but I loathe the possibility.
I cannot talk about it anymore to anyone. No one wants to hear it anymore. They would counsel me to get over it already. Or they will say time will heal your hurt. Maybe writing out my thoughts will help me uncover why it is taking so much time.
I was always upfront with her. I told her often I loved her. I dropped everything for her whenever she needed help. I spent lots of great times with her son. I took care of her when she were sick. I told her I accept the package deal of her and her son. I knew we were never going to be intimate being 20 plus years older and being physically the opposite of what she desires in a man. I accepted that. I always let her know that my joy – my satisfaction – was that she let me do things with her and her son. That I got to serve her.
I had come to a point that I no longer wanted to live for myself any longer. I have spent most of my years living for me and my needs. She seemed to enjoy my company and spending time with me even needing me. Guess I was completely wrong on all points. I also have to think that everything she ever said to me was a lie. She was false to me from the day we met till she dispatched me as completely unnecessary. I knew her dark side. Now I realize it is darker and more pervasive than I ever imagined.
Physicists say nature abhors a vacuum. She has left a big void in my life. I have yet to fill it. Unfortunately I do not have a body to bury. She did not allow me closure as to why I was no longer welcome in her life. Only that it was unhealthy to remain in it. No idea why or what that meant. No way to grow from it.
Do I live for a cause? Causes do not give you warm embraces. Causes do not ask if you have eaten. I enjoy being active and will continue to devote time to fitness. I will run with the local running groups each week and go to the pool on Saturdays to see the staff. I enjoy teaching swim lessons and will devote time to teaching the kids in my care. I enjoy the kids at church and will devote time to them each Sunday. I enjoy expressing my thoughts and will spend more time on my blog. But right now they are not what I live for. I do not live for anything. And it is hard.
Will I find another person to love and live for? Of course everyone offers hope and says someone more deserving will come along. Having spent most of my life on my own, I seriously doubt it. I will come to terms with it, but the transition is difficult after getting used to loving someone and living for them. I have to accept I will not find someone that puts joy in my heart and lights up my eyes.
All I have to do is make 10 years when I should be able to retire. Then I can look forward to another amazing adventure and see what happens. On that day maybe I can respond with something other than “I’m ok” or “I’m fine.”