As I turned 50, I thought life is essentially done. I still have choices like those younger than me, but fewer and not as exciting. Then something happened that showed me I had the wrong attitude. I could go anywhere, do anything, enjoy my life now as much as I had in my younger days.
Now that I am a few years from 60, I am wondering why I feel again that nothing much is left for me. I have had a lot of fun. I have done a lot of new and exciting things. I have met many incredible people. I have been open to new experiences. I have said yes to so many opportunities. I can list a lot of firsts and accomplishments.
But so what? Am I really any different from before? What do I have to show for any of these last 7 years? I have been as outgoing and positive as my personality allows.
But right now I simply feel I am simply surviving. I have a decent place and live in a great area. I have met phenomenal friends. I have a good job. I am teaching swim lessons again. I am part of the children’s ministry at my church.
But I have an old car. I still have debt (although hopefully it will be erased by June). I am really no further along in my career aspirations. And most telling, I have no one in my life.
When I moved to Nevada back I. 2012, I focused on being open to the possibilities a new life brings. And instead of being closed to all relationships, I would be open to them. I have made really good friends, but my desire is to live for someone else because I grew tired of living for myself. I have met several amazing women and spent a great deal of time with them one after another. After a year or two, they find the love of their lives. I meet a need for them for a little while, but I know I am simply a place holder until someone else enters their lives who can meet all of their needs. It’s fun and I love them and have many great memories, but they have someone to go home to. I remain alone.
What is ahead in 2019? Can I still enjoy the wonder and excitement I have enjoyed since turning 50? I know that this ennui is partly from not teaching swim lessons or being able to run which means I have had few social interactions this month. I have moved on from being a recluse to someone needing society.
Soon I believe I will be able to start running again. Next month I will start teaching swim lessons again. I will continue serving in the children’s ministry at church. My mood and outlook will improve just by being with my kids more frequently.
So my goals in 2019:
1. Have sex
2. Have a bona fide love interest.
3. Pursue my MBA.
4. Enjoy and really live for the kids who I get to be with this year.
5. Get outside in any way as often as I can.
Of course, goals 1 & 2 have been on my list for the last 7 years. I don’t see anything changing that will make them any more realistic this year. Being myself, being hopeful and not rushing have been meaningless. I cannot see how I will suddenly become more attractive to women this year. I will forever be simply a play date for them on their way to finding the person they wish to be with.
So here is to being with my kids and keeping mentally and physically active to finish out this decade!